Strive for Gratitude

2013.  Over in a matter of hours.  This is the time when everyone pauses to reflect on the happenings of the year.  The time when one either wishes they would have done something differently, treated someone better, or smiles over the blessings the year has brought to them.  Whichever category you fall under, the result will be the same: you will most likely pledge to do better and be better in the New Year.  Those that say they don’t make resolutions really do; they are just in the form of goals throughout the year.   Isn't that all a resolution is? A goal.  

Looking back over this year, it was a typical one for us.  No event sticks out as more special than the others and no crisis was more nerve-racking than the one before it.  That is, until December 18, 2013.  More on that later. 

This year brought each of my daughter’s success in their lives as well as pain.  One is working in the “best job ever” yet it brings heartache with numerous rewards.  Being a Neonatal ICU nurse is quite extraordinary on its own but when you add in the factor that no matter how much you tell yourself that you cannot get emotionally attached to your patients and their families, you will; the job becomes even more extraordinary.  Then the sad news comes - the tiny miracle of life that should have not even survived one day outside the womb doesn’t make it – you react, you are emotionally attached.  You move on because you have to, it’s your job to take care of them and you do so with the utmost care and love. You see, she tells me, you learn the technical aspect of nursing however, no book-learning is going to teach you how to care and love, that comes from inside each of us.  I have never been more proud of her than I am today, right at this moment. 

My youngest daughter, who isn’t so young anymore – she’ll be 21 in March – is in her third year of college and it also has been a year of successes and pain.  She will tell you she is anything but special and she will tell you she isn’t smart.  I’m thinking a 4.0 doesn’t come easy in college (I know this from experience) and she is constantly wowing me with her knowledge on nearly any topic.  At times, the wow factor leaves me feeling totally stupid.

I should know more, I am older – therefore, I should know more than her.

Just proves that the more you read and listen, the more you do know.  She has a good head on her shoulders but sometimes she lets her emotions rule her.  Who doesn't do that though?!  Her newest love is a brand new car, leaving us in more debt but the knowledge that she is safely getting around makes it worth the debt.  I have never been more proud of her than I am today, right at this moment. 

I am a Mom.  I don’t take this lightly.

Being a mom isn't a job, a hobby, or a task, it’s a calling. 

A calling to love well. 

A calling to instruct their hearts. 

A calling to be present in their lives.

I get a smile as large as the largest ocean when I see the adults they are becoming.  My heart does cartwheels when they pat themselves on the back for a job well done and it also does nosedives when they are hurting and I can’t fix it with a Band-Aid. 

Before I get to hubby and myself, I can’t leave out the three four-legged children we have.  Two cats and one dog.  Start with the dog, a beagle, Charlie.  He’s lived with us for over a year.  Charlie is full of life, no - that’s a lie.  He sleeps most of the day but comes alive when hubby comes home to walk him.  Charlie really is oldest daughter’s ex’s dog as she gave Charlie to him a few years ago when they were still dating. They broke up recently and we now get visitation.  He’s best friends with Fiona, our one year old Calico cat.  They are just so cute together.  Belle, the queen of this house, doesn’t care for either of them and has made it known.  She tolerates Charlie because he’s scared of her and Fiona, well; let’s just say they will never ever be BFF’s.  Belle has been diagnosed this year with hyperthyroidism and with meds she is living the life deserved of a 17 year old feline.  

Each year I tell myself I will lose weight, exercise more and be more active.  Each year passes and now I am paying the price with taking meds that I didn't want to. It’s not permanent so I will get past this.  I've had several moments of panic and worry over situations and several moments of joy this year.   

It’s life.  I know.

This year had me continuing my work towards a bachelor’s degree.  I started the year majoring in Business Administration and ended the year changing it to Public Service.  It’s been a trial and error finding the time for studying and managing the house not to mention the family’s schedules.  Everyone has chipped in, though it seems like they only do it when I blow a few gaskets.  Studying is a full time job for me and I am not sure if it’s because I am 47 or because I am fearful of failing. 

• Failing is not an option when one quits their job to go to school when you have debts and a house payment due each month.
• Failing is not an option when your husband works hard and picks up overtime just so you can do this.
• Failing isn't an option when you are setting examples for your children to finish what you start.
• Failing isn't an option for me.

That being said, I am doing my best and along the way I have failed but I picked myself up and did better.  In fact, this semester, I joined my youngest daughter in the 4.0 club.  Changing my major did wonders for my confidence.  I was so afraid that with the boring Business degree there wouldn't be any jobs for me.  Let’s face it, office jobs are a dime a dozen, or is that a penny now.  They are common place.  Public Service will open those doors plus many more for me and it’s a better fit for my personality.  If you know me, then you know I strive to help others before I do for myself.  One of my former supervisors loved this quote and it fits me perfectly.

Three years ago my husband had a benign tumor removed from his brain.  We were so thankful that it was not cancerous and his recovery time was amazing.  It puts things into perspective and makes you realize what is important and what is just a minor bump in the road of life’s annoyances.    Each year since then, he has had clean MRI’s until this December 18^th.  There is now a pea-sized bump growing in the same spot where the tumor was removed.  The doctor doesn't know what it is or if it is anything to be concerned with at this time. 

He tells us – “don’t worry, and don’t lose any sleep over it, for now.”

Yea, so much easier to say.  He will get a MRI in April to see if it has grown any and if it has he will get radiation spot treatment.  How does one not worry? Is he going to have another seizure and if so, where will it be? Riding his bike? Driving the car? I know faith in God is supposed to take care of all things but how does one deal with the fact that God’s plan shouldn't make tumors to grow back, or for that matter have them at all.  When you lose faith, that’s the time to remind yourself it will be OK and that God is in charge.  

That’s where we are now. 

Socrates said “The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.”  So, this coming year I will strive to be better, to do better and be blessed with all that I am given.   I can’t say I will complain less and I will fail at many things but I will get up and do it again. When I have those moments of “why is this happening” or feeling sorry for myself I will strive to remember:  

No matter what difficulties I may be dealing with,

there is someone out there that would be willing to

walk in my shoes even just for a moment.

 I am getting better at remembering that I am of infinite worth -  no matter what others may think.  I will strive to live so that if others speak badly of me, no one will believe it.

No resolutions. Just a life plan with goals.  I will strive to have gratitude. 

For 2014, I wish you all a year full of gratitude

Teenage Battles

I watched an episode of Dr. Phil yesterday...rare that I do but I was folding laundry and put the TV on. He had this 17 yr. old on there from hell. She was horrible to EVERYONE, language, drugs, sex, threatening parents and others, BIG anger problem, OMG she made me angry and made me cry! Her parents were doing the best they could I suppose after YEARS of just GIVING IN to her to save fits, issues, problems, etc. Father is a cop and he more than anyone else should know what happens to teens who lead this kind of life and he was like "she is going to go missing one day and never come back" Daughter said and I quote "maybe that's what it will take for me to learn my lesson" OMG...I was like, yea last lesson you will learn! She turns 18 in 8 weeks so they can't legally kick her out till then. Dr. Phil wants to send her to some boot camp place and she was like NO not going to go. She did admit she has an anger problem and doesn't like that she can't control it. Phil told parents he will get a transporter to send her there as she was still underage and they parents had the say. They are sending here there...I sure hope it works. 

I had issues with my oldest from ages 10-15....it was horrible. She wanted out of the house – my heart broke at that thought but a few times I wanted her to go too - yet neither of us did anything about that. We argued, yelled and oh it was bad. She hated me, I didn't like her much. I never gave up on her. Anyway, we got through it and now we are close. When I watched this, I immediately with tears in my eyes sent a text to my girls (both were in class or I would have called) that said how much I loved them and how proud of them I was. 

Tell your kids often that you love them and how much they mean to you...they need to hear it even if they never say it to you.

Are you listening??

Well...................................wouldn't ya just know it...my girls taught me a lesson and they don't even know it. Practice what you preach! I tell them all the time when they get like I am now (overwhelmed, negative vibes galore, wanna puke feeling, etc) - You will be fine, make a schedule, positive thinking, it won't be easy but you can do it. 

I am giving myself 30 min on here and then I am going to sit down and take one class, one assignment at a time and make me a schedule. All day I have been giving myself excuses and things to do, grocery shop, cleaning, lunch with hubby . Valerie told me today, "You have to force yourself to stick to a schedule...don't be like your daughter and procrastinate." She was referring to herself. 

At least I know they "hear" what I tell them all these years!

Anniversary of a Tumor

Last evening I asked my husband what he wanted to do for his birthday this Friday and he just shook his head and said I don't know.  I got to thinking about his upcoming birthday and realized that next month will be one year since he had a seizure and brain surgery to remove a non-cancerous tumor.  How lucky we are that he is here to celebrate another birthday.  How lucky am I to have him here to complain to and about at times.  I still think about that day when he he had his seizure and how it could have been so much worse.  He had it at home, on the couch and not in a car driving or on his bike, which he JUST finished riding that day.

God was watching over him for sure and all through the ordeal.  I re-learned how powerful prayer is that month as well.  Friends were putting him on prayer lists at their churches, my facebook friends sent out prayer chains online and of course we had the support of family.  During that same time, my grandmother passed away as well so it was an extra stressful time as well. I wasn't able to help my mom with the funeral and her estate as my husband was having brain surgery.

I have been with my husband for over 31 years...married for 26 of them.  We have been together since we were 14...and still going strong.  I remember when he was having the seizure, I yelled to him that he wasn't allowed to leave me as we weren't done being together yet...and we aren't.

Taking down the Tree and reliving the memories

It's time, again, to take Christmas and wrap it back up in the boxes until next time.  Our tree is filled with ornaments that were handmade or have sentimental value.  We also have an ornament for each year...we are missing a few but for the most part they are there. I have several that the girls made throughout their childhood and in girls scouts, each one reminding me of them at that particular age.  Others were made my mother when she was big into cross stitching on plastic canvas.  I also have quite a few that were my grandparents that hung on my parent's tree when I was I growing up...makes me remember the times with them.  Of course, there are new ones that we have acquired over the years and from gifts.  Each one has a memory and when I put them up I recall those memories and smile.

Today, when I was taking the ornaments off the tree I held each one and thought of all the memories they had and wondered if my girls would do that when they have homes and trees of their own. They don't seem interested in assisting in the decorating of the tree or house and when I remind them of an ornament, they tend to listen but their mind is not there. At least that is what I think.  I have to admit throughout the years they have listened and even brought up memories on their own.

Treasure your memories and share them often....they do listen.

Does their generation not care about the history of their family or the memories of it all?  Are they too into their technology to stop and think about the past?

I guess I am being sentimental today.  Heck, I have been that way since Valerie started college.  Empty nest is still in full swing.

Later this month, I will be taking on the task of clearing out some boxes of items that I saved from their school years.  Organizing them and protecting them a bit better than they are.  I guarantee I will be using some tissues and will be texting or calling the girls to say...Remember this....OR...I can't believe we saved this...

There is something about taking the tree down that reminds me

Pets

We've got a kitty named Belle...she has been with us since September 1996...she is getting up there in age and it shows. More so, lately. She meows constantly if she's not sleeping and it's not a "I'm in pain" meow. I think she is telling me to piss off most of the time cause I don't feed her when she wants me to or let her outside. It's hard for her to jump to places she easily has before on some days...others she is up there no problem. She sleeps in the oddest places lately and they aren't comfy ones either! She will demand to go outside (she is an indoor cat mainly) and she will just lay in the flower bed or on the sidewalk (concrete) path in front of the porch for hours. She has never slept in any of the bathrooms - ever and she will do that every day now...weird. Right now, she is laying on the metal fireplace hearth sleeping like nobody's business. Belle must have been sick all last week and this weekend because typically she will wake me up for breakfast every morning and demand I get to it...she will race me downstairs (One day I will trip over her and beat her to the bottom!) Belle is more my pet than anyone else's in the family. She tolerated Jennifer (who wanted the cat) and had nothing to do with Valerie (I think because when Val was little, she would be a bit too rough with her) and will only give attention to Mark if she wants outside and I already vetoed it. She sleeps on top of my pillow at night, I have conversations with her..and yes she answers me, contrary to my kids arguments. Anyway, back to the sickness part. She didn't come down in the morning with me for 5 days...it wasn't till like lunchtime when she appeared to eat and she really was slow moving at times. Monday she didn't even come downstairs until around 8pm...her food was untouched until then. Hubby said when he was home she stayed on the bed sleeping and that's where she was that evening till 8pm. She threw up sometime in the middle of the night, I know this because I stepped in it when I went to the bathroom! Nasty feeling on your feet! Yesterday, she flew downstairs like normal and is acting fine once again. All of this made me think of my past pets, which were few!

I guess I was about 3 or 4, I remember having pet turtles, small ones that lived in a fish tank...I think they died because one day there were there and the next gone lol. They were fun to play with outside the tank too.

When I was in 3rd grade I got a cat because my parents didn't approve of my imaginary sister that lived in Japan...well her name was Twinkles and she loved me, tolerated my dad and wanted nothing to do with mom lol. She lived forever...I mean she was OLD when she died of feline leukemia and is buried in the backyard of the house my parents live in right now. When we lived in Wayne Heights, Twinkles would get outside at times and made friends with the dog that lived downstairs, Sheba. Once I got married, Mark didn't want to bring the cat with us so when we would visit, Twinkles let me know she was not happy with me abandoning her! I was no longer a thought.

Sometime in the first years of our marriage, Mark brought home a kitten which we named Cricket...beacuse she jumped like one LOL. She was our party kitty...she HATED people except for us. When people came over, she would hiss and growl at them and the hide somewhere. We had a party once, I think it was for Stacie's husband's birthday and Cricket hid the in bathtub and the shower curtain was closed so you didn't know she was there. One of the guests went to the bathroom and came out screaming...said there was something in the shower LOL..It was Cricket hissing LOL. We gave Cricket to a new home right before I gave birth to Jennifer, we weren't sure how it would react to her. Have no idea how she is now.

Which brings us to Belle. I truly think her days are numbered...I will miss her terribly when she is gone. Jennifer asked me what I would do and I told her...I will cry and probably get another kitty...I need company until my girls are married and give me grandchildren! Of course my girls both say they aren't having kids LOL.

Same Sex Marriages

Yep, time for another hot topic.  Probably thought I forgot about some of them.  Ha!  I've been thinking on this one awhile now.  I hear so many comments from people I know and don't know, their opinions and where they stand.  I read comments on blogs and FB of the same.  I refrain from commenting MOST of the time, simply because, as you are aware, I hate confrontation - most of  the time.  I am a peaceful person by nature. I wear my emotions on my sleeve for all to see and when I am adamant about something you will see it too.

NY passed the same sex marriages into law Friday night and I am thrilled for all those that are seeking this with their partners.  I know what the Bible tells us about this topic and I know there are some of you who will take me on about it too.  This is what I believe -

Ultimately, we all report to God and only He will pass down judgement to us for any sins he says we have committed.  No matter the sin, God is the final judge for all of us.

I feel you love who you love, you know when you have met "the one" and I don't think we have any right to deny that relationship.  If it works for you and you are happy, then that is what matters.  You only get one life and you should be  happy.  People should not condemn others for who they love.  Think about it, if you are against same sex relationships and condemn that person, look down on that person or treat them badly or different, how does that make you a good Christian?  How does that differ from a man-woman relationship that you don't approve of?

I also feel same sex relationships should be allowed to adopt children.  We let man-woman relationships adopt and look how some of those situations turn out.  Not saying that it could happen that way to some same sex ones but they should be given a chance to love and raise children as well.  It would be harder I am sure, but isn't raising a child of a different culture just as hard?  Heck, raising my own children proved to be  a challenge at times!

Same sex relationships should have the same benefits as a man-woman one - meaning being in on major decisions such as medical and insurance.

I know several couples who are gay and lesbian and call them friends.  Shoot, I think some of them have better relationships than a lot of man-woman do.

I am sure I am not totally up on all the pros and cons of this subject and I am fine with that...I know what I feel and what I think.