Strive for Gratitude

2013.  Over in a matter of hours.  This is the time when everyone pauses to reflect on the happenings of the year.  The time when one either wishes they would have done something differently, treated someone better, or smiles over the blessings the year has brought to them.  Whichever category you fall under, the result will be the same: you will most likely pledge to do better and be better in the New Year.  Those that say they don’t make resolutions really do; they are just in the form of goals throughout the year.   Isn't that all a resolution is? A goal.  

Looking back over this year, it was a typical one for us.  No event sticks out as more special than the others and no crisis was more nerve-racking than the one before it.  That is, until December 18, 2013.  More on that later. 

This year brought each of my daughter’s success in their lives as well as pain.  One is working in the “best job ever” yet it brings heartache with numerous rewards.  Being a Neonatal ICU nurse is quite extraordinary on its own but when you add in the factor that no matter how much you tell yourself that you cannot get emotionally attached to your patients and their families, you will; the job becomes even more extraordinary.  Then the sad news comes - the tiny miracle of life that should have not even survived one day outside the womb doesn’t make it – you react, you are emotionally attached.  You move on because you have to, it’s your job to take care of them and you do so with the utmost care and love. You see, she tells me, you learn the technical aspect of nursing however, no book-learning is going to teach you how to care and love, that comes from inside each of us.  I have never been more proud of her than I am today, right at this moment. 

My youngest daughter, who isn’t so young anymore – she’ll be 21 in March – is in her third year of college and it also has been a year of successes and pain.  She will tell you she is anything but special and she will tell you she isn’t smart.  I’m thinking a 4.0 doesn’t come easy in college (I know this from experience) and she is constantly wowing me with her knowledge on nearly any topic.  At times, the wow factor leaves me feeling totally stupid.

I should know more, I am older – therefore, I should know more than her.

Just proves that the more you read and listen, the more you do know.  She has a good head on her shoulders but sometimes she lets her emotions rule her.  Who doesn't do that though?!  Her newest love is a brand new car, leaving us in more debt but the knowledge that she is safely getting around makes it worth the debt.  I have never been more proud of her than I am today, right at this moment. 

I am a Mom.  I don’t take this lightly.

Being a mom isn't a job, a hobby, or a task, it’s a calling. 

A calling to love well. 

A calling to instruct their hearts. 

A calling to be present in their lives.

I get a smile as large as the largest ocean when I see the adults they are becoming.  My heart does cartwheels when they pat themselves on the back for a job well done and it also does nosedives when they are hurting and I can’t fix it with a Band-Aid. 

Before I get to hubby and myself, I can’t leave out the three four-legged children we have.  Two cats and one dog.  Start with the dog, a beagle, Charlie.  He’s lived with us for over a year.  Charlie is full of life, no - that’s a lie.  He sleeps most of the day but comes alive when hubby comes home to walk him.  Charlie really is oldest daughter’s ex’s dog as she gave Charlie to him a few years ago when they were still dating. They broke up recently and we now get visitation.  He’s best friends with Fiona, our one year old Calico cat.  They are just so cute together.  Belle, the queen of this house, doesn’t care for either of them and has made it known.  She tolerates Charlie because he’s scared of her and Fiona, well; let’s just say they will never ever be BFF’s.  Belle has been diagnosed this year with hyperthyroidism and with meds she is living the life deserved of a 17 year old feline.  

Each year I tell myself I will lose weight, exercise more and be more active.  Each year passes and now I am paying the price with taking meds that I didn't want to. It’s not permanent so I will get past this.  I've had several moments of panic and worry over situations and several moments of joy this year.   

It’s life.  I know.

This year had me continuing my work towards a bachelor’s degree.  I started the year majoring in Business Administration and ended the year changing it to Public Service.  It’s been a trial and error finding the time for studying and managing the house not to mention the family’s schedules.  Everyone has chipped in, though it seems like they only do it when I blow a few gaskets.  Studying is a full time job for me and I am not sure if it’s because I am 47 or because I am fearful of failing. 

• Failing is not an option when one quits their job to go to school when you have debts and a house payment due each month.
• Failing is not an option when your husband works hard and picks up overtime just so you can do this.
• Failing isn't an option when you are setting examples for your children to finish what you start.
• Failing isn't an option for me.

That being said, I am doing my best and along the way I have failed but I picked myself up and did better.  In fact, this semester, I joined my youngest daughter in the 4.0 club.  Changing my major did wonders for my confidence.  I was so afraid that with the boring Business degree there wouldn't be any jobs for me.  Let’s face it, office jobs are a dime a dozen, or is that a penny now.  They are common place.  Public Service will open those doors plus many more for me and it’s a better fit for my personality.  If you know me, then you know I strive to help others before I do for myself.  One of my former supervisors loved this quote and it fits me perfectly.

Three years ago my husband had a benign tumor removed from his brain.  We were so thankful that it was not cancerous and his recovery time was amazing.  It puts things into perspective and makes you realize what is important and what is just a minor bump in the road of life’s annoyances.    Each year since then, he has had clean MRI’s until this December 18^th.  There is now a pea-sized bump growing in the same spot where the tumor was removed.  The doctor doesn't know what it is or if it is anything to be concerned with at this time. 

He tells us – “don’t worry, and don’t lose any sleep over it, for now.”

Yea, so much easier to say.  He will get a MRI in April to see if it has grown any and if it has he will get radiation spot treatment.  How does one not worry? Is he going to have another seizure and if so, where will it be? Riding his bike? Driving the car? I know faith in God is supposed to take care of all things but how does one deal with the fact that God’s plan shouldn't make tumors to grow back, or for that matter have them at all.  When you lose faith, that’s the time to remind yourself it will be OK and that God is in charge.  

That’s where we are now. 

Socrates said “The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.”  So, this coming year I will strive to be better, to do better and be blessed with all that I am given.   I can’t say I will complain less and I will fail at many things but I will get up and do it again. When I have those moments of “why is this happening” or feeling sorry for myself I will strive to remember:  

No matter what difficulties I may be dealing with,

there is someone out there that would be willing to

walk in my shoes even just for a moment.

 I am getting better at remembering that I am of infinite worth -  no matter what others may think.  I will strive to live so that if others speak badly of me, no one will believe it.

No resolutions. Just a life plan with goals.  I will strive to have gratitude. 

For 2014, I wish you all a year full of gratitude

One of THOSE Kind of Days

Ever have one of those kind of days where you just want to crawl in a hole and just stay there till life becomes nice again?  Or one of those kind of days where nothing you do is right by anyone? How about one of those kind of days where you feel like you aren't worth much? In other words, you are having a pity party for yourself and no one else is invited because you'll wish they stepped on a Lego...in the middle of the night.  Yep...I'm there, today.

I really don't know what triggered this mood but it's here. I don't even want to walk today and this is the time I should be walking.  I have a great family, friends, and life - am blessed with that.  I just don't want to be part of society today.  I don't feel like I inspire anyone lately.  I used to feel that way.  I have to get that back because it's part of who I am. I am the cheerleader, the "pick up your spirit" person, the one to say "you can do it" and I have not been any of those things to anyone in awhile now.  I try to be, I think I am and then realize, probably not.

Society and me, today, not friends.  I'll try again tomorrow.

Will itching count against me?

 just did my video speech...it's the best it is going to get...I mean I scratched my nose in it...BUT the rest is good...good eye contact, emotion in voice, etc...will the itching count against me?  I cannot do it over...

Conversations with oldest daughter

Oldest Daughter and I had a text convo today and I wanted to share it:

Oldest Daughter: I am sitting in my last college class ever.

Me: yay!!!

Me: Took a hard test today..got an 85 on it...brought my 99 avg down.

Oldest Daughter: Yeah that happens haha but it's still a good grade.

Me: Yea but it bums me out some. Oh and I get to register for classes when the "seniors" do and not the junior that I am - Sunday at midnight. hahaha

Oldest Daughter: I do not miss registration, ours was at 3am. You just have to do better at the next test to bring up average but an A is an A no matter if it's 100 or 90. And C's get degrees.

Me: thanks for the pep talk. Nice to know that you were listening all those times I told you the same thing, minus the C's get degrees. lol.

They do listen to us LOL. Made me smile and proud.

Spring Forward...No thanks!

I don't know about any of you, but this time change has really affected me big time. Time change, whether it's forward or back, has never bothered me before. Never. Ever. I am finding it hard to get sleep. I go to bed at the same time and listen to hubby snore (and I mean S.N.O.R.E.), read my kindle until the snoring is quieter and more evenly spaced, then I fall asleep. Somewhere around 2 - 3 in the morning, I wake up - WIDE AWAKE. So I read. By the way, no one is on FB at the time. I just get sleepy enough by the time hubby wakes up to get ready for work, which is 4:30am and I am awake again. I truly don't fall back to sleep until he leaves at 5:30am. My internal clock is set for 7:30...wait...correction....Belle wakes me up at that time to eat and she is relentless. Of course, no use going back to sleep as I have classes, chores, and errands to do. 

I really wanted to scrub and oil the cabinets today, I still do, but my body is telling me "Go to bed" and I may have to listen, once the kids leave. They are heading back to the boro today with dog. But knowing them, they aren't on a time schedule and will leave when they choose to. 

Why am I rambling on about this, to stay awake? No. To tell you my problems? No. I have no clue why. Mr. Sandman has not been doing his job well and he shouldn't be allowed to leave sand in my eyes when I haven't gotten to enjoy the benefits of sleep. Solid Sleep. Good Sleep. Uninterrupted Sleep.

Celebrations...

OK..you know how much I hate to exercise so when I do and feel good about it, I do not want to log on to FB and see Chic-fil-a's add for their banana pudding shake. C'mon! I don't even know if I like it but I like banana pudding! I just walked 2 miles and did strength training too...now all I see when I look at my pretty water bottle that Jennifer got me to use in "school" is a milkshake and not the water that is in it. Thanks Chicken place. 

Classes update...another test done and aced it...a HARD one tomorrow...World Lit. I hate that topic just as much as exercising. Yes, I rebel at studying for it too. I don't even know what to study for since she will be giving us essays to write. ICK.

This past Friday marks the one year date of Mark's brain surgery. It's funny how we remember things like that but can't remember what we need to get at the store. Thanking God every day that he came out of it just fine! So, he celebrates by going on a 65 mile bike ride Saturday, I celebrated by going to Hobby Lobby. We all have our ways! Oh and then we went to dinner with friends at a great Mexican place, Margaritas....and yes I did have one. 

I'm rambling but I didn't feel like posting on open FB. I will be updating the food blog today too. 

Life is good...even with World LIt

It's been a whirlwind past few days with my classes. Ok that's a lie. I played hooky Friday. The entire weekend I did nothing. Yesterday back on it. BUT I have been like the wind and gusting through researching for my papers. The one I asked for opinions on it due in a couple of weeks and is the longest. I actually started it and have two whole paragraphs done! Yeehaw! You may be saying, "is that it?" Well..Introductions are the HARDEST for me to do. I tend to write them last LOL. But not this time. 

Two English short papers done, that next quiz there is gonna be a nightmare. Two other short papers for two classes done. I need to start on my final project for one class like last month. 

I have a headache from thinking about all of this. BUT - I have homemade, fresh salsa and oven chicken fajitas in the works for dinner so life is good.

First Exam...yikes

OK first BIG exam tomorrow...send good wishes and prayers for a good grade! Professor already told us, it is a hard exam and expect to see your A's go to C's. That will not happen to me. (power of positive thinking)

Unorganized, Insane Day

Well, I was heading to get that cup of coffee when I got distracted by my DIRTY Kitchen. So I started on a cleaning binge. When I worked, my house wasn’t spic and span all the time but it was kept up. After I quit my job, my house is still not spic and span BUT I have been deep cleaning things…cleaning closets….finishing up projects, etc. Now that I am back in school, my house is so bad. I haven’t mopped since before Christmas and sweeping the kitchen floor…OMG it needs it so bad that if I don’t do it today, I feel I may have visitors that I do not want. I have a problem organizing my time now with school. It was easy with work…you cleaned on the weekends. Bleck. When I quit, I did stuff every day so all was good. Now, I have to add the “chores” in my planner that I keep for classes. No lie. I have post it’s with what I need to do on it.

Yesterday was one of the most unorganized days I have had in months. I was so stressed that I felt my BP rise and RISE. I was supposed to have a quiz posted for World Lit….well I guess the auto upload for it failed and no quiz was posted till noon. Not that I was ready for that one…and when I saw the quiz finally…OMG…it isn’t a quiz. It’s a freakin TEST! Five essay questions that have 2 parts each. One response paper that had to be one page long.

Ok so, no quiz at first…practice test for a PowerPoint Exam…6 wrong the first time through it. Oh boy! 60 questions took me over an hour! Then off to watch a video for another class…most of these videos have been interesting – this one was not! In between all of this, I was doing 5 loads of laundry (still have 3 beds with bedding to wash.) Then, I remembered I had a doctor appt. in the afternoon. So showered for that and went to it. Two hours of study time lost there. Now the time is going on 4pm.

I finally sit down to work on quiz and it took me till 6pm to do this. I sent it. I hope I got a C. Yes, I should be more confident but I am not. I knew the play and all its themes, etc. but I do not do well on analyzing material like that. I did the practice PPT exam again and 3 wrong. Still an A so…yea. Now it’s 8pm. I think I ate yesterday.
I watched a bit of TV with hubby and then went to BED. I need to be more organized. I didn’t feel my BP go back to normal till bedtime. I laughed when the doctor said my BP was 128/something. It has been 116 since I have been on meds.

SO, today I guess I am making up for being so disorganized yesterday. Oh and Jennifer left her watch here that she needs for clinical so I need to go mail that…wasn’t on the post it!!! Darn! Hahaha.

There will be MANY more days like yesterday, this I know. Moral of the story – make margaritas to relax me while I am studying…no that’s not it…but it’s a good one though! Off I go to answer to the broom and dustpan! (Yea…I get all the fun!)

OH….grade for PPT exam today….100% (I rock!)

Teenage Battles

I watched an episode of Dr. Phil yesterday...rare that I do but I was folding laundry and put the TV on. He had this 17 yr. old on there from hell. She was horrible to EVERYONE, language, drugs, sex, threatening parents and others, BIG anger problem, OMG she made me angry and made me cry! Her parents were doing the best they could I suppose after YEARS of just GIVING IN to her to save fits, issues, problems, etc. Father is a cop and he more than anyone else should know what happens to teens who lead this kind of life and he was like "she is going to go missing one day and never come back" Daughter said and I quote "maybe that's what it will take for me to learn my lesson" OMG...I was like, yea last lesson you will learn! She turns 18 in 8 weeks so they can't legally kick her out till then. Dr. Phil wants to send her to some boot camp place and she was like NO not going to go. She did admit she has an anger problem and doesn't like that she can't control it. Phil told parents he will get a transporter to send her there as she was still underage and they parents had the say. They are sending here there...I sure hope it works. 

I had issues with my oldest from ages 10-15....it was horrible. She wanted out of the house – my heart broke at that thought but a few times I wanted her to go too - yet neither of us did anything about that. We argued, yelled and oh it was bad. She hated me, I didn't like her much. I never gave up on her. Anyway, we got through it and now we are close. When I watched this, I immediately with tears in my eyes sent a text to my girls (both were in class or I would have called) that said how much I loved them and how proud of them I was. 

Tell your kids often that you love them and how much they mean to you...they need to hear it even if they never say it to you.

And...Let the FUN begin!

When I left you last, I was preparing myself to go back to college after a 20 plus year absence and I was pretty much freaking out.  Well, I still am just not as much!  I have everything I need except a working webcam which I need to use to make two videos.  Mine will work on Skype but not on it's own...yea...great.  I tried everything my technical mind could think of and used the resources of the internet as well.  My computer background is pretty good too.  SO, I will do what I do in this situation and call my DAD!  He knows everything about anything!  I will most likely have to buy an external one though.  Sigh.  

I have a very full load to carry this semester and everyone thinks I can do this but me. Guess I need to get on the train with them, eh?!  Last night was my first night of class in the classroom (since all other classes are online) and I have to tell you I was pretty nervous almost to the point of wanting to throw up.  But as my wonderfully brilliant daughter (whom I called to get a pep talk from) told me, "if you puke now, that tuna salad sandwich you had for lunch will not be pretty the second time and you will stink. Not a good first impression, Mom."  TOLD you she was brilliant!  I did not throw up the tuna.  I went in to class and for an hour and 15 minutes I listened the Professor talk about World Lit and what she expected from us.  She was cool.  She had an accent from the Caribbean thrown in with a bit of British.  I have to tell you, I read the chapter we were to read AND if you were to ask me to tell you what I read, I would have to shoot you.  It was in one eye and forgotten.  The Professor made this subject come alive, fun and I wanted to read it like she was telling us about it.  Drama, Love, Soap Operas, etc.  I sure hope I can, that will help writing all those papers she wants us to do.  

Yes, when the hour was up I was breathing normal and left for home.  I have tons to do for all the classes and if I organize myself I can do this...yes I can.

Now, for my oldest daughter's advice (see this post for that blog)

• Bring either a bookbag or a purse, not both.   - Brought a purse
• bring mechanical pencils - forgot the pencil but had a pen (didn't need a pencil!)
• old people your age sit in the front because they can't see or hear well 
• best seat to sit in is the sides, 3rd row  - sat in the back as it was the only row available when I got there, 10 min early even!
• if you have classes with desks that have the arm desk you pull up...you're screwed because you're left handed.  bring your computer - sat at computer tables
• make friends fast because old people aren't usually picked for groups quickly unless the younger people like you - made a friend!
• you have an advantage because you know how to use technology...some old people don't - found this to be true with one of the younger ones there!

SO...there you have it, my first day of class.  I survived, I was fine, it will be OK.  Breathing again.  

First day of college classes...

OMG...first day of classes with online classes was eye opening. I have SO much writing, reading and thinking to do. Tomorrow night is my first in class class...World Lit....

Ok from 2pm to 5pm I organized a bit of the material I need to do and did 3 assignments...easy ones like introducing myself on the discussion boards. I have an orientation assessment to take and it's based on the syllabus I printed out and I have to get a 100 on the blessed thing and I keep getting a 90! Oy Vey! You can't access the materials for the course without the 100! I can see the instructor shaking his head at the number of attempts I am using...probably thinking I am a total idiot.

Topic of a 10 min video paper - something/someone from the year you were born relating to computers...I am old...is that year even going to have anything??? I found a few things....maybe I can get 10 min which is about 5 pages maybe?!! 

Practice what you preach, MOM

I'm beginning to think I should rename this blog to "Life of a OLD College Student" because I think that is all I will be posting about the next few months.

I begin back to college Monday, well actually I did yesterday "unofficially" with the syllabus' and the pre-assignments to the assignments.  I think I bit off more than I can chew! What was I thinking with FOUR classes all online!  So much to do, so much thinking, writing, thinking, writing, and on and on it goes.  I felt nauseous when I saw all I had to do and the classes didn't even start.  I felt a little throw up in mouth as I read what was due the first week.  I panicked.  I freaked some.  I texted my daughter who just started college and told her I was gonna fail.  She told me to have positive thoughts.  I replied with "I'm positive I am going to fail."  She then told me all the things I told her when she was nervous, scared and wanted to puke.

You'll do fine
You can do it
You are smart
Organize
Make a schedule
Stick to it
Force yourself to NOT procrastinate like I do
Breathe

Yea, I forgot to breathe even while I was thinking of all the reasons I needed to drop classes.  I know she is right.  Even my older daughter told me some of the same things.

How do they do it?? Well I am going to find out.  I sat down in front of my laptop at the desk and for three hours:

I read 4 syllabus'
Introduced myself three times
took a orientation assessment 5 times (had to get a 100 on it to pass - kept getting 90's and 97's)
Printed documents out that I knew were on the site but wanted hard copies.
Made a list of things to buy
Made another list of what I need to do in class the first week
Did one assignment
Looked over at the thick World Lit book and frowned...yes I have to read a portion before class Tues.  This is my only hybrid class...
Breathed

Then I made dinner and poured a glass of red wine. Now, I am still overwhelmed, just not wanting puke.

Are you listening??

Well...................................wouldn't ya just know it...my girls taught me a lesson and they don't even know it. Practice what you preach! I tell them all the time when they get like I am now (overwhelmed, negative vibes galore, wanna puke feeling, etc) - You will be fine, make a schedule, positive thinking, it won't be easy but you can do it. 

I am giving myself 30 min on here and then I am going to sit down and take one class, one assignment at a time and make me a schedule. All day I have been giving myself excuses and things to do, grocery shop, cleaning, lunch with hubby . Valerie told me today, "You have to force yourself to stick to a schedule...don't be like your daughter and procrastinate." She was referring to herself. 

At least I know they "hear" what I tell them all these years!

Anniversary of a Tumor

Last evening I asked my husband what he wanted to do for his birthday this Friday and he just shook his head and said I don't know.  I got to thinking about his upcoming birthday and realized that next month will be one year since he had a seizure and brain surgery to remove a non-cancerous tumor.  How lucky we are that he is here to celebrate another birthday.  How lucky am I to have him here to complain to and about at times.  I still think about that day when he he had his seizure and how it could have been so much worse.  He had it at home, on the couch and not in a car driving or on his bike, which he JUST finished riding that day.

God was watching over him for sure and all through the ordeal.  I re-learned how powerful prayer is that month as well.  Friends were putting him on prayer lists at their churches, my facebook friends sent out prayer chains online and of course we had the support of family.  During that same time, my grandmother passed away as well so it was an extra stressful time as well. I wasn't able to help my mom with the funeral and her estate as my husband was having brain surgery.

I have been with my husband for over 31 years...married for 26 of them.  We have been together since we were 14...and still going strong.  I remember when he was having the seizure, I yelled to him that he wasn't allowed to leave me as we weren't done being together yet...and we aren't.

Taking down the Tree and reliving the memories

It's time, again, to take Christmas and wrap it back up in the boxes until next time.  Our tree is filled with ornaments that were handmade or have sentimental value.  We also have an ornament for each year...we are missing a few but for the most part they are there. I have several that the girls made throughout their childhood and in girls scouts, each one reminding me of them at that particular age.  Others were made my mother when she was big into cross stitching on plastic canvas.  I also have quite a few that were my grandparents that hung on my parent's tree when I was I growing up...makes me remember the times with them.  Of course, there are new ones that we have acquired over the years and from gifts.  Each one has a memory and when I put them up I recall those memories and smile.

Today, when I was taking the ornaments off the tree I held each one and thought of all the memories they had and wondered if my girls would do that when they have homes and trees of their own. They don't seem interested in assisting in the decorating of the tree or house and when I remind them of an ornament, they tend to listen but their mind is not there.

Does their generation not care about the history of their family or the memories of it all?  Are they too into their technology to stop and think about the past?

I guess I am being sentimental today.  Heck, I have been that way since Valerie started college.  Empty nest is still in full swing.

Later this month, I will be taking on the task of clearing out some boxes of items that I saved from their school years.  Organizing them and protecting them a bit better than they are.  I guarantee I will be using some tissues and will be texting or calling the girls to say...Remember this....OR...I can't believe we saved this...

Reliving memories is what keeps our history alive...I hope my girls do the same to their families in the future.

Taking down the Tree and reliving the memories

It's time, again, to take Christmas and wrap it back up in the boxes until next time.  Our tree is filled with ornaments that were handmade or have sentimental value.  We also have an ornament for each year...we are missing a few but for the most part they are there. I have several that the girls made throughout their childhood and in girls scouts, each one reminding me of them at that particular age.  Others were made my mother when she was big into cross stitching on plastic canvas.  I also have quite a few that were my grandparents that hung on my parent's tree when I was I growing up...makes me remember the times with them.  Of course, there are new ones that we have acquired over the years and from gifts.  Each one has a memory and when I put them up I recall those memories and smile.

Today, when I was taking the ornaments off the tree I held each one and thought of all the memories they had and wondered if my girls would do that when they have homes and trees of their own. They don't seem interested in assisting in the decorating of the tree or house and when I remind them of an ornament, they tend to listen but their mind is not there. At least that is what I think.  I have to admit throughout the years they have listened and even brought up memories on their own.

Treasure your memories and share them often....they do listen.

Does their generation not care about the history of their family or the memories of it all?  Are they too into their technology to stop and think about the past?

I guess I am being sentimental today.  Heck, I have been that way since Valerie started college.  Empty nest is still in full swing.

Later this month, I will be taking on the task of clearing out some boxes of items that I saved from their school years.  Organizing them and protecting them a bit better than they are.  I guarantee I will be using some tissues and will be texting or calling the girls to say...Remember this....OR...I can't believe we saved this...

There is something about taking the tree down that reminds me

Goodbye 2011

Before it gets hectic here again, I wanted to post this. 2011 was a good year even though there were moments, I do not care to repeat. BUT each moment, good or bad, was here for a reason. I learned quite a lot about myself and others who were in my life with negativity.  

I wish for each of you in 2012, a year filled with promises of goodness and if by chance, some moments of sadness, or negativity should arise, I hope for a fast exit. I wish for each of you love, and good health and good friends.

Full House vs. Peace and Quiet

When my girls were teens, our house was not THE place to be. We didn't have a gaming system, pool table, or game room, etc - All of which were the "in" items among Jennifer's friends. Jennifer also did not like me (at times, I wasn't overly fond of her either) and so she didn't spend a lot of her time at the house with her friends over. There were times when she did though and one of them is like family now. Valerie, on the other hand, seemed to be 50-50 with this. I got to know most of her friends and they became part of the family. It got to be quiet at times in the house when no child at all was home.

Off to college, Jennifer went and when she came home she brought boyfriend and dog and sometimes a friend too. Since the two (boyfriend and Jennifer LOL) aren't married they do not sleep in the same room. SO that left Jennifer on the couch with the dog. Valerie always had someone (or two) spending the night so it was a busy place here. Noise was above what I was used to and so was the clutter of belongings. I felt like I had "company" in my house and I had to do this and that but that stopped fast when I realized, heck, it was my own kids!

Fast forward to Valerie in college now...we have just Mark, the cat and me in the house. So quiet. So peaceful. So oddly weird. So boring. So blah. So relaxing. You get the drift. Once a month we make the trip to pick up Valerie for a long weekend here and there and it's back to a houseful of kids. Valerie usually will have anywhere from one to three friends over and staying most of the time she is home. They go back and forth between the houses and I never know how many will be at mealtimes so I usually tell them what is for dinner and they will tell me if they will be here. Or I order pizza OR they make tacos. Sometimes they tell us they are eating elsewhere. It works out one way or another.

Now this Christmas break, I have had Jennifer, boyfriend, dog, Valerie, and 3 of her friends here ALL. THE. TIME. I am SO looking for that quiet, peace, relaxing and alone time. I can't stand the clutter, this and that out place. I am not, by any means, OCD, BUT..it is driving me crazy. They are HOME so yes they should feel like they can BE at home. Their rooms are cluttered just as if they were still living here...floor is barely there with all the stuff over it. Doors are nice to close, aren't they. They use dishes for everything and yes, they do put them in the sink. They do help in the kitchen at times. In fact, Jennifer and bf are cooking dinner tomorrow night. The dog will chew on things when left alone in the house for too long...good thing nothing he chewed on was mine! The cat and the dog do not like each other so Belle stays upstairs most of the time.

I look back and wonder if my house was one the places all the kids hung out if now I wouldn't care about the clutter, etc. I don't know and I am not stressing over it either. I know just as soon as next week comes and they ALL go back to college/their houses I will be missing them all like crazy. The clutter included. Well, maybe not the clutter.

My house will go back to quiet moments, and I will be thinking ahead to the next time they are all here.

Christmas Stress

Every so often I get frustrated with my family. I am sure we all do. It just seems like through out the year they don't appreciate what I do for them (not talking about the every day things) BUT at Christmas, you would think they would see I need help with all the traditional things we do and the shopping, wrapping, etc. Never fails, I do it all. Mark's answer when I say I have this and that and this and that to do is "don't do it. " Meaning, it's ok not to. BUT heaven forbid if I forget to do this or that. One child said she would help make cookies...I have rarely seen her since she came home. The other child when she comes home is really here to rest...she has it tough in nursing school plus a job. So I do really feel bad asking her to help. BUT the way I see it, is this...they should be asking me what they can do to help. I shouldn't have to ask for it, or rather beg for it.

I seriously love the Holidays but this is getting old. I am getting old and tired. Yes I said old. I won't admit that anywhere else. So far, no cookies are made.

Every year I say, "Next year I am not doing this."

I still do. Bah Humbug.